its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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