i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
