If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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