My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so let's talk penis.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
