You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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