my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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