Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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