the new term for farting is butt boxing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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