I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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