just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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