if i can run in heels then i can drive
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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