The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
