Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize