so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
did i walk over a car last night?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
