I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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