Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
