Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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