at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
