you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I AM VODKA MAN
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
