i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
