Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
