i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
