the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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