shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
