New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
