So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize