saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
