The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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