We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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