WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
