I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
