Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
