my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize