I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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