I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
