I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
