Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
