You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
