bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
