Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
