I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
