We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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