1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
