I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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