I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
