just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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