The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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