how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
