This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
