Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
