The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Acid is not a monday night drug
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
