Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
