I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
