Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
