Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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