I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
